I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
