It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
