Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
