just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
