shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
