god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
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Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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