I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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