I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
