Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
