Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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