apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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