I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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