remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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