i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
