So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
