The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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