Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
