My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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