i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
