my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
