I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
