I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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