My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
