Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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