my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
