I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
