Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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