The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
