I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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