Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
