I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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