i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
