Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
