I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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