I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
