So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
