Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
