so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
