I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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