If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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