The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
