Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am one with the molecules
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
