Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
