Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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