thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
