Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
