im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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