Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
