He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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