Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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