Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
