You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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