Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need to calm my uterus...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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