there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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